I am going to ramble

Gosh, I almost forgot what my blog page looked like. It has been VERY difficult for me to get to the computer and blog, email, or pay billls. I have even had a difficult time returning phone calls- those of you that are still waiting for a call back- sorry. . . it's coming . . . sometime. For this post I am going to just ramble on for awhile- thanks for listening.

I am not in any pain anymore since I had my root canal last week, but I twisted my ankle this past weekend which was no fun at all. I stayed pretty much off of it on Saturday and Sunday so it felt a TON better on Monday just in time for the Labor Day parade and Last Fling. It was a blast taking the kids to the parade and the Last Fling. Madison is such a daredevil and the boys enjoyed riding the merry go round. Archie and I both realized that as we are growing in age, for some reason we do not do as well on rides. This is very sad and disturbing to us since we LOVE rollercoasters and rides.

My first few days of school I felt lost. The school layout is the exact layout as my last school, but when I walk around nobody is the same- it's weird. The kids are also very different than my last school which has made me revise my ideas and actions of discipline. It has been a transition for me to get used to my new school and all the policies and people in it, but I know that it was a good move for me so I am trying to be patient. I do NOT like the feeling of being lost- who does? Since now it is the 2nd week of school, I am finding my way around and getting to know people so it's getting better. It's easy to forget how a new person feels at times.

I am trying to be patient with my dear beloved children but it has been very challenging lately. I am not sure if it's because of their new schedule or what, but my cutie pies have been a lot to handle lately. The boys are now a year and a half- do I need to say more? And, there are TWO of them. What REALLY gets me annoyed is whining and crying. The boys LOVE to cry when I say "no" or take something away that they want to play with- fun! Let me tell you that there is NOTHING that they don't want to play with. And Madison has recently started to whine. I think that she is whining because she is tired- but still, that is no excuse. When I get annoyed I get very short with people and tend to want ALL control. Actually, it's control that I want, but I do it through the means of wanting perfection with myself, Archie, and my kids. I don't ALWAYS want perfection, but when I am annoyed I do. I try to make everything perfect in the house while everything going on around me is falling apart. I don't know if that sounds weird to you or not, but that's me. To help you understand my head a little better I will give an example: as Christian was crying tonight (because he didn't want to eat the food that I gave him to eat), my thoughts went to how I need to clean the dishes at that very moment and how I really wanted the kitchen and the rest of the house clean- Then my mind goes so many more places- all dealing with perfection and control. Things like I didn't put away the laundry yet that has been sitting there for the past 2 days, I need to work on Madison's writing with her so she can make her "s" better, I should be reading with the boys tonight, but I am too tired, why can't we just have clean walls with no markings on them. I am not sure if you are following me here or not, but overall, when things are NOT going the way that I want them to, I am not always patient and then I start "fighting" for control because at that moment I feel like I have no control. Have any of you been there? It's not like that every day by any means, but I have my days. I NEVER stay in that rut of thought- that out of control feeling because God always reminds me of his love and goodness.

THANKFULLY, the good Lord meets me right there when I feel out of control and sort of lost and when I even sometimes get mad at life. He met me tonight when I was getting Caleb ready for bed. All I will say is making dinner, cleaning up, giving baths, and doing that for 3 tired and irritable children was not a lot of fun tonight so I wasn't my chipper self. I call Caleb my little monster. I love him dearly, but he tests me all the time and I easily get frustrated with him. Well, tonight, I got frustrated with him a lot quicker than I would normally because I was already frustrated with both Christian and Madison. As I was getting Caleb ready for bed and dwelling on some of the "bad" things that he did today and on all the things that I wanted perfect in my life I was reminded of WHO God is. I looked into Caleb's cute little innocent face and his smile melted my heart. I felt God telling me that this is only a phase, a short brief period of time in my life and that HE is in control of it. He knew what he was doing when he gave us the twins and I was reminded to turn to Him and trust in Him and not just in myself. I had a feeling of peace at that moment and just looked at my sweet little boy lying there. I started to thank God for Caleb and I asked God to help me to trust in Him more and not myself- since I just can't do it on my own and I wasn't created to. I was reminded that Caleb and all of my children are God's children and that I also am a child of God. Does God yell at me and get all frustrated with me when I don't do things the way He would want me to? Somehow, he LOVINGLY brings me back to him and reminds me of the truth. I want to show my children the same love and patience that God shows me. I thought about the day in the future that I am going to want the old days back when my kids were young- Would I really want today back when I get older I thought? God reminded me that it's not a big deal if the boys are always kicking off their shoes and I can't find them, it's not a big deal if the dishes stay in the sink tonight, it's alright if I don't put away the laundry, my house is not perfect and that it will never be- get that through your brain now. These things are not the things that really matter in life. I shouldn't be annoyed and have the need of control and perfection in my life. I am already perfect in God's eyes. It's Him who makes me perfect. Jesus dying on the cross has covered my imperfections and his strength allows me to overcome my shortcomings. let me tell you- I have many! Amen to God for who He is and for helping me out ALL the time. What would I be like without his love, guidance, and goodness? EEk! I am glad that I won't ever have to find out.

So, that is me in a nutshell- a complex nutshell- I hope that I didn't scare you.

Just a side note- You all know that Archie helps out a lot, so this is not a blow at all about him not helping- he had an appointment which is part of his job which helps pay the bills- anyway, it's good that I experience evenings like this because it's ALWAYS good to experience God.